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i am the dissident poetician...i tear down fences with sardonic sardines and metaphysical cucumbers

Tuesday, April 05, 2016


this isn't me
or the person I used to be
when I have wasn't down and out
fiending for a mistress who keeps me hanging
just long enough for me to take her toxic bait
and after we're done she turfs me out the door
only for me to return again and again
hungrier than the time before,
knocking desperately at her door
shamelessly begging for more and more of the same bullshit

yes, it's bleedingly obvious
for all concerned
and all who don't give a fuck anymore
if I live or die or if I'm simply alright
I've been caught in a vicious circle
and at the moment,
it seems like there's no way out
but death at my own hands

this isn't me
not the me in my heart of hearts
that those who actually know me
have come to know and to have respect for
it's just an image of a ravenous monster
who would stop at nothing
to get what he needs
an image built up by a combination
of ignorance, impatience, media misinformation, etc.
people who look down upon me can get fucked
they haven't bothered to take the time
to see through to the heart of the matter

that pathetic mess you see in front of you
is a broken man who cries for hours on end
as he despairs at how he got himself into such a mess
he wishes for change but doesn't hold out much hope
you may not believe this
but you could leave him alone in your house
and he wouldn't steal off you
but you have other ideas
painted up by stereotypes of what you have seen and heard
despite living in an amoral world
he has managed to stick to some degree of morals
unlike many of his peers in this game
in which most get thrown out the the wolves

I used to have dreams, goals and ambitions
just like the rest of you
but along the way,
my priorities changed
and I lost my way
only to fall from the edge of hell
into a deeper darker hole

this isn't me
not the person I used to be
full of life, energy and conviction
a brother with a furious mind
disgusted at the injustice that he saw
in society and the world around him,
who was on a mission to destroy it
or even better, change it for the better

oh how the once mighty have fallen
but please leave your judgement
at the fucking door
for it could be you or someone you love
in the same lowly position as mine
but a change in vantage point
has really opened up my eyes
to all the fake people out there
who pretended to be compassionate
only to show their true colours
when I was desperate and at my tether's edge
short memories, it would appear

reserve judgement for another day
for when have I ever condemned you
and everything you appear to stand for?
I have only ever tried to treat others
with kindness, compassion and generosity
only to be taken advantage of
or to be abandoned by those
of whom I've helped out in the past
when I needed help the most

judge me at your own peril
for where do the boundaries of
what you are willing to condone and condemn
really begin and end?
what biases do you bring into the equation
and who are you to judge anyway,
for are you not imperfect just like me,
just like everybody else?
maybe you fear that which you do not understand

"a heart that hurts is a heart that works"

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