MY SINCEREST APOLOGIES FOR BEING AN ARROGANT PRICK

At long last, I have started to awaken from a decade long slumber,

in which I've been oblivious to all that was going on around me,

or perhaps I was just in denial of what was really taking place

and how much of fool I'd been to think that nobody would notice

all the questionable things I have done in my moments of weakness.

But now I realise that everything one gets in life is what one deserves.

We are all the architects of our own self-destruction

and responsible for everything that happens in this one life,

one in which time slips away in the blink of an eye.

Life itself is a precious gift, too amazing to be treated flippantly.

For far too long, I've been an arrogant prick,

treating others with contempt, and doing whatever the fuck I wanted,

treading on toes and pushing others people’s buttons.

However, this self-righteous crusade is about to come to an end.

From this day forth, I will try to practice humility

and treat others with the kindness and compassion

I often speak about, but often fall far short of dishing out.

One can't be selective in who one has compassion for.

Even my enemies suffer, such is the nature of existence.

Even though my enemies are many and have been cruel to me,

I shall cut them all some slack and forgive them for all their transgressions.

They too are imperfect and flawed like all of humanity.

They can keep on knifing me in the back all they like, but I will rise above.

I shall lay down my sword, my knives and my lead pole.

Instead, the only weapons that will remain in my arsenal

are kindness, compassion, patience, peace and love.

And if they try to attack again, I will kill them with kindness,

for all everybody wants is to be treated with dignity and respect,

(even if they have lost all respect for themselves)

no matter what they've done, for do we all not all have feelings?

Even the staunchest and most macho of men cry when nobody's looking.

So they can laugh all you want when I break down and cry in front of them,

but I don't give a fuck about their insensitive views on that matter.

If it wasn't for all the tears I've shed in recent times, I would have exploded

and possibly be in prison for mass murder or an act of lone wolf terrorism.

They may think me weak, but I'm am growing stronger as the haze lifts.

Denial is a powerful force you see: it protects us from our inner demons.

However, one has to face up to the things one has done at some stage.

I can be a better person and rise above all the hurdles in front of me.

I will prove to people that I can be strong and courageous:

the captain of a pirate ship, who doesn't need to employ violence

in order to stand up for myself and get what I want in life.

Things can only get better from this point forth.

I just have to have the strength of conviction and not stray too far

from the path of balance, moderation and salvation,

and nobody else can do it for me, only I can save myself from this misery.

I think I can see hell's gates now and I'm not going to run to it,

like I would have in the days of my youth, which have slipped away.

Instead, I'm going to slow down, reflect, and formulate a plan of attack,

just like a wise man would do before making their next move in a game of chess.

Only fools rush in head first and I refuse to play the fool any longer,

for through my tour de force in the underworld, I have grown wiser

and much stronger for having to endure so much excruciating pain

of the psychological variety, which drove me to try to end it all

on more than one occasion in order to get back at those who had hurt me.

In hindsight, such actions wouldn’t have have had the desired effect

but would have only ended up hurting those who actually give a fuck about me.

No longer will I pull the piss out of life like an angsty teenager

trapped in the body of a broken man who no longer has time to burn,

like the way I used to burn marijuana after a stressful day at work.

I shall spread my wings and fly to all the places I’ve dreamt about,

but never had the courage, patience or conviction to venture forth into.

Even the sky is no limit to what I can achieve in good time,

as the possibilities are endless in the mind of the eternal dreamer.

I shall dream of better days ahead for the rest of my days in this holy temple

that traps us in its its web of desire and media-constructed insecurity

and nothing and no one can hold me back from reaching my chosen destination,

not even fuckheads who would unscrupulously exploit me for their own selfish ends.

In fact, I do not hate them all that much anymore, but rather, I thank them

for teaching me how not to treat others and how to be a decent human being.

There’s no need to rush.

Baby steps.

ALL TOO HUMAN JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE

I'm doing it all over again:
Burning those who are trying to help me
And bending over backwards for those who are trying to burn me
It's a vicious circle that I can't seem to get out of
Though I know the reasons why everybody wants a piece of me
What they forget is that I am human too, just like them
And I have feelings as well,
Just like the rest of those who like to act holier than thou
Every time I get burnt, a part of my humanity dies,
As does our collective humanity
Such treatment makes me so irate, but mainly just feel like a fool
For letting it happen again when I should have seen it coming
And sometimes I do, but am not assertive enough to simply walk away

When you can't even trust your closest friends,
Then who in the world can you trust?
Family perhaps? However, even they do not want a bar of it
Sick of the childish behaviour: tantrums, recklessness
Unable to handle the emotional turmoil and mood swings
That goes with the territory of being a fiend who is hanging for his poison
Ultimately, I guess it hurts them too much to watch me destroy myself
I too know what it's like to try and prevent someone you care about
From destroying themselves when there's nothing you can do or say
To change their mind about doing what they want to do
That is ultimately going to lead to self-harm
Or worse yet, to their premature death
Like the time my supposed best friend was talking suicide
And there was nothing I could say to talk him out of it
I ended up calling his mother, knowing full well how hard she's had it
trying to cope with having a son hellbent on destroying himself
Or the world around him: whatever comes first
She said that there was nothing either of us could do

This made me feel really guilty about what I had done to my family
Who had always been there with me though thick and thin
It must have been hard for them when they watched me pick up a knife
So I could slash my wrists right in front of them,
Only for it to be snatched off me by my sister,
Inadvertently cutting my mother's hand, making her cry
Then, in an act of desperation, I then proceeded to pop forty Seroquel
With them helplessly watching on, before I stormed out the door
And switched off my phone and walked for miles,
Looking for a place that I could lay down and sleep forever
Where no fucker would find me until it was too late
And I'd never have to wake up to a reality I couldn't handle at the time
And still can't handle to this very day
That's why I keep on pining away in my moments of weakness
And doing the self-destructive things that I do
In a futile attempt to get back at others for the things they have done to me
But mainly to hurt myself for allowing myself to get caught up in
The repetitive tape loop that is my life when I'm out of my mind

I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired of everything
A passive nihilist devoid of hope and with nothing to lose either
So I keep on taking risks that will ultimately destroy me in the end
But perhaps that's what I want: to sleep and never wake up again,
Forever dreaming about androids dreaming about electric sheep
Not having to deal with the incessant bullying
That has plagued me almost my entire life and has driven me to despair
Sometimes, I wonder if there really is anything on the other side?
A place of peace and tranquility, devoid of sadistic fuckheads?

While times are bleak, a spark of hope still remains in my shattered psyche
And even though I am all alone on this tumultous journey back from the hell's epicentre
I'm not done just yet, I will soldier on through the fires, emptiness and despair
I've already endured a one man war waged against myself and the entire fucking world
And I will persist in changing all the ways and habits that have gotten me in strife
No! Not now, not ever, not ever again will the same repetitive tape play again
There's bigger fish to fry: go and find someone else to stalk and put down

FILA

Having idle hands can lead to self-destruction
or at least, hasten it for those already on that trajectory
I've been on such a path for many long years
Since before I was legally considered an adult, in fact
However, it was not until I dropped out of my studies
that things took a turn for the worst then another and another
Instead of being an aspiring sociology professor
with an occasional penchant for sticking sharp objects in my arm,
it became a daily event, besides simultaneous days in which I crashed out
and culminated in the worst period of my entire life
In that time, I ended up homeless and destitute,
got abandoned by my family and my dearest friends
and got sectioned in a psychiatric ward for threatening lethal violence
(and I'm am a pacifist in principle!)
Oh, but I was having the time of my life, wasn't I?
Who wouldn't be happy be constant adventure and action?
I for one: if I could trade it all in for but one day
of peace, tranquility and stability, then I would
What's more, I wouldn't wish this kind of lifestyle upon anyone
Not even my worst enemies, even in my darkest moments

Since I started chasing the glitzy lights all the way up town,
after having resisted it's allure for seven drowsy years
I've been surrounded by the most debased of people,
the type who would tell you anything to get what they want
and would steal off their own grandmother if required
Though my limits and my faith in humanity have been tested,
I've never stooped as low as what others had done to me
and for that, I hold my head up high, in the fucking face
of all those who think I'm beyond hope and look down upon me
If they were faced with the situations that I have been,
then perhaps they may have ended up doing the unthinkable
I've been fucked over by others on so many occasions,
including by those whom I used to consider to be closest friends
If one can't even trust your friends, then who can one trust?
It was as if the world was full of unscrupulous liars and scam-artists,
none of which could be trusted, who deserved to be flogged
for the despicable things that they had done and continue to do,
even by the standards of the most non-violent of people
However, I'm not a vindictive person, nor am I the vengeful type
So no blood has been shed by my hands in a fit of rage
despite me having had such horrible fantasies repeatedly
Lucky for my enemies, I guess, that justice has not been served,
vigilante style, without limits or rules of engagement
It's not so much what had been taken from me that cuts
but rather, the way it was done and who did it, that does
It completely destroyed my faith in all of humanity
and left me with trust issues that will forever plague me
The upside of all this is that I have become less gullible
and learnt never to take anyone at face value
and that if something sounds too good to be true,
then it damn well is, one hundred percent guaranteed,
Just a few lessons among  many among many more
that I've been forced to learn the hard way
in this game of roulette that is life in the fast lane

A certain street level purveyor of imported wares
once made a predictable comment about the FILA shoes I had on
(that I had recently acquired at discount rates)
when I asked him whether he liked them,
after I noticed that he was wearing the exact same pair
He said that it stands for "Fuck I Love Annie"
If only, if only
Though my recent behaviour might indicate otherwise,
I sincerely do not like them her all that much at all
Not nearly as much as I liked sweet Harriet anyway

A DOZEN BAD EGGS

It was never this sick and toxic when I took my trips down town

Old mate wouldn't fuck me around and drag me all around town

Only to give me shit or nothing at while telling me it was "koota"

It's as if some of those scamming pieces of shit take pleasure

In fucking over those who they perceive to be suckers

If they've done it once, they'll do it again for ever after

The lack of respect for old school rules defies all belief

And the repeated attempts to get me to take the bait only brings about grief

Even those I would call friends have preyed on my kindness and generosity only to burn me

Even though it has a bad name, people weren't this bad in underground scene

Fuck I hate that word "koota" and I would smother in turds the next fool I heard

Using that term, for if it sounds too good to be true, then it usually is

In the game of ice hockey, people promise the world and give you one third

Or less after they've changed the rules of the game and added extra ingredients to the pitch

Only for it to be harder to score goals the way its been done in training

Instead everywhere it's raining and everyone's not playing fair like in the days of old

Even in a game as chaotic and anarchic as this there has to be guidelines for who are playing

Consistency is the key, reduce short passes and ample reward for every goal

But it's full of greedy or desperate fucks out to play dirty and fuck everyone else over

Knowing full well how this leads to time on the sidelines and brings retribution closer

THIS ISN'T ME

this isn't me

or the person I used to be

when I have wasn't down and out

fiending for a mistress who keeps me hanging

just long enough for me to take her toxic bait

and after we're done she turfs me out the door

only for me to return again and again

hungrier than the time before,

knocking desperately at her door

shamelessly begging for more and more of the same bullshit

yes, it's bleedingly obvious

for all concerned

and all who don't give a fuck anymore

if I live or die or if I'm simply alright

I've been caught in a vicious circle

and at the moment,

it seems like there's no way out

but death at my own hands

this isn't me

not the me in my heart of hearts

that those who actually know me

have come to know and to have respect for

it's just an image of a ravenous monster

who would stop at nothing

to get what he needs

an image built up by a combination

of ignorance, impatience, media misinformation, etc.

people who look down upon me can get fucked

they haven't bothered to take the time

to see through to the heart of the matter

that pathetic mess you see in front of you

is a broken man who cries for hours on end

as he despairs at how he got himself into such a mess

he wishes for change but doesn't hold out much hope

you may not believe this

but you could leave him alone in your house

and he wouldn't steal off you

but you have other ideas

painted up by stereotypes of what you have seen and heard

despite living in an amoral world

he has managed to stick to some degree of morals

unlike many of his peers in this game

in which most get thrown out the the wolves

I used to have dreams, goals and ambitions

just like the rest of you

but along the way,

my priorities changed

and I lost my way

only to fall from the edge of hell

into a deeper darker hole

this isn't me

not the person I used to be

full of life, energy and conviction

a brother with a furious mind

disgusted at the injustice that he saw

in society and the world around him,

who was on a mission to destroy it

or even better, change it for the better

oh how the once mighty have fallen

but please leave your judgement

at the fucking door

for it could be you or someone you love

in the same lowly position as mine

but a change in vantage point

has really opened up my eyes

to all the fake people out there

who pretended to be compassionate

only to show their true colours

when I was desperate and at my tether's edge

short memories, it would appear

reserve judgement for another day

for when have I ever condemned you

and everything you appear to stand for?

I have only ever tried to treat others

with kindness, compassion and generosity

only to be taken advantage of

or to be abandoned by those

of whom I've helped out in the past

when I needed help the most

judge me at your own peril

for where do the boundaries of

what you are willing to condone and condemn

really begin and end?

what biases do you bring into the equation

and who are you to judge anyway,

for are you not imperfect just like me,

just like everybody else?

maybe you fear that which you do not understand

"a heart that hurts is a heart that works"

Shoplifters of the World Unite lyrics by The Smiths

"Shoplifters Of The World Unite"
(Morrisey/Marr)

    Learn to love me
    Assemble the ways
    Now, today, tomorrow and always
    My only weakness is a list of crimes
    My only weakness is...well, never mind
    Shoplifters of the world
    Unite and take over
    Shoplifters of the world
    Hand it over
    Hand it over
    Hand it over
    Learn to love me
    And Assemble the ways
    Now, today, tomorrow and always
    My only weakness is a listed crime 1
    But last night the plans of for a future war
    Was all I saw on Channel Four
    Shoplifters of the world
    Unite and take over
    Shoplifters of the world
    Hand it over
    Hand it over
    Hand it over
    A heartless hand on my shoulder
    A push - and it's over
    Alabaster crashes down
    (Six months is a long time)
    I tried living in the real world
    Instead of a shell
    But I was bored before I even began
    I was bored before I even began
    Shoplifters of the world
    Unite and take over
    Shoplifters of the world
    Unite and take over
    Shoplifters of the world
    Unite and take over
    Shoplifters of the world
    Take over



Quotes

"It's more or less spiritual shoplifting, cultural shoplifting, taking things and using them to your own advantage."
- Morrissey interviewed by Shaun Duggan in 1987