About Me

My photo
i am the dissident poetician...i tear down fences with sardonic sardines and metaphysical cucumbers

Saturday, April 09, 2016


I'm doing it all over again:
Burning those who are trying to help me
And bending over backwards for those who are trying to burn me
It's a vicious circle that I can't seem to get out of
Though I know the reasons why everybody wants a piece of me
What they forget is that I am human too, just like them
And I have feelings as well,
Just like the rest of those who like to act holier than thou
Every time I get burnt, a part of my humanity dies,
As does our collective humanity
Such treatment makes me so irate, but mainly just feel like a fool
For letting it happen again when I should have seen it coming
And sometimes I do, but am not assertive enough to simply walk away

When you can't even trust your closest friends,
Then who in the world can you trust?
Family perhaps? However, even they do not want a bar of it
Sick of the childish behaviour: tantrums, recklessness
Unable to handle the emotional turmoil and mood swings
That goes with the territory of being a fiend who is hanging for his poison
Ultimately, I guess it hurts them too much to watch me destroy myself
I too know what it's like to try and prevent someone you care about
From destroying themselves when there's nothing you can do or say
To change their mind about doing what they want to do
That is ultimately going to lead to self-harm
Or worse yet, to their premature death
Like the time my supposed best friend was talking suicide
And there was nothing I could say to talk him out of it
I ended up calling his mother, knowing full well how hard she's had it
trying to cope with having a son hellbent on destroying himself
Or the world around him: whatever comes first
She said that there was nothing either of us could do

This made me feel really guilty about what I had done to my family
Who had always been there with me though thick and thin
It must have been hard for them when they watched me pick up a knife
So I could slash my wrists right in front of them,
Only for it to be snatched off me by my sister,
Inadvertently cutting my mother's hand, making her cry
Then, in an act of desperation, I then proceeded to pop forty Seroquel
With them helplessly watching on, before I stormed out the door
And switched off my phone and walked for miles,
Looking for a place that I could lay down and sleep forever
Where no fucker would find me until it was too late
And I'd never have to wake up to a reality I couldn't handle at the time
And still can't handle to this very day
That's why I keep on pining away in my moments of weakness
And doing the self-destructive things that I do
In a futile attempt to get back at others for the things they have done to me
But mainly to hurt myself for allowing myself to get caught up in
The repetitive tape loop that is my life when I'm out of my mind

I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired of everything
A passive nihilist devoid of hope and with nothing to lose either
So I keep on taking risks that will ultimately destroy me in the end
But perhaps that's what I want: to sleep and never wake up again,
Forever dreaming about androids dreaming about electric sheep
Not having to deal with the incessant bullying
That has plagued me almost my entire life and has driven me to despair
Sometimes, I wonder if there really is anything on the other side?
A place of peace and tranquility, devoid of sadistic fuckheads?

While times are bleak, a spark of hope still remains in my shattered psyche
And even though I am all alone on this tumultous journey back from the hell's epicentre
I'm not done just yet, I will soldier on through the fires, emptiness and despair
I've already endured a one man war waged against myself and the entire fucking world
And I will persist in changing all the ways and habits that have gotten me in strife
No! Not now, not ever, not ever again will the same repetitive tape play again
There's bigger fish to fry: go and find someone else to stalk and put down

No comments: