THIS ISN'T ME

this isn't me

or the person I used to be

when I have wasn't down and out

fiending for a mistress who keeps me hanging

just long enough for me to take her toxic bait

and after we're done she turfs me out the door

only for me to return again and again

hungrier than the time before,

knocking desperately at her door

shamelessly begging for more and more of the same bullshit

yes, it's bleedingly obvious

for all concerned

and all who don't give a fuck anymore

if I live or die or if I'm simply alright

I've been caught in a vicious circle

and at the moment,

it seems like there's no way out

but death at my own hands

this isn't me

not the me in my heart of hearts

that those who actually know me

have come to know and to have respect for

it's just an image of a ravenous monster

who would stop at nothing

to get what he needs

an image built up by a combination

of ignorance, impatience, media misinformation, etc.

people who look down upon me can get fucked

they haven't bothered to take the time

to see through to the heart of the matter

that pathetic mess you see in front of you

is a broken man who cries for hours on end

as he despairs at how he got himself into such a mess

he wishes for change but doesn't hold out much hope

you may not believe this

but you could leave him alone in your house

and he wouldn't steal off you

but you have other ideas

painted up by stereotypes of what you have seen and heard

despite living in an amoral world

he has managed to stick to some degree of morals

unlike many of his peers in this game

in which most get thrown out the the wolves

I used to have dreams, goals and ambitions

just like the rest of you

but along the way,

my priorities changed

and I lost my way

only to fall from the edge of hell

into a deeper darker hole

this isn't me

not the person I used to be

full of life, energy and conviction

a brother with a furious mind

disgusted at the injustice that he saw

in society and the world around him,

who was on a mission to destroy it

or even better, change it for the better

oh how the once mighty have fallen

but please leave your judgement

at the fucking door

for it could be you or someone you love

in the same lowly position as mine

but a change in vantage point

has really opened up my eyes

to all the fake people out there

who pretended to be compassionate

only to show their true colours

when I was desperate and at my tether's edge

short memories, it would appear

reserve judgement for another day

for when have I ever condemned you

and everything you appear to stand for?

I have only ever tried to treat others

with kindness, compassion and generosity

only to be taken advantage of

or to be abandoned by those

of whom I've helped out in the past

when I needed help the most

judge me at your own peril

for where do the boundaries of

what you are willing to condone and condemn

really begin and end?

what biases do you bring into the equation

and who are you to judge anyway,

for are you not imperfect just like me,

just like everybody else?

maybe you fear that which you do not understand

"a heart that hurts is a heart that works"